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So far Kai Staats has created 553 blog entries.

Russo

That night, at the local bar and salsa dance, word spread and enthusiasm grew for the new caves. The next morning I was thrilled to find I would be accompanied by Tom, Anibal, Renier, Devin (a lively, light-hearted forest service worker from Canada who had the propensity to drop his drawers for the camera whenever given the chance), Turbo, and Russo (they call him “the Russian” for his face and body are wide, strong, and fair-skinned; and he has the strength of an ox as was soon discovered).

Due to the rain and resulting humidity, the cave with Green Machine and La Venganza was soaked, completely unclimbable. I thought we would have to return. But Devin found a passageway and having crawled the length of it discovered it opened into another set of open-air caves, dry and wonderfully climbable. He returned on the outside, along the base of the wall only to require a two person crew to remove all of the stickers from his curly black hair.

Russo borrowed a machete from a local farmer and in less than an hour accomplished more clearing than I had in a day. He is an unstoppable machine, a monster with a machete, and as I learned, scuba gear and machine gun. Anibal made it clear that Russo was his right-hand man on all caving and climbing expeditions because he always got the job done.

Russo was one of those people who always smiles and always has a good story. He is friendly, but something tells you that should there be a war, you’d want him on your side. While in the Cuban military he trained as the equivalent of our Navy Seals. He was once dropped from a helicopter several miles from shore, at night, into the ocean. He swam for 18 hours straight with a full compliment of provisions on his back and kickboard to his front. This guy does not stop.

Another time he was dropped from a helicopter to test a new sport-chute (a parachute that maintains an air-foil as it glides). He landed in a farmer’s field only to be greeted by surprised and highly reactionary farmers armed with machetes. Because of his light skin (Cuba has a rich diversity of ethnic backgrounds) and the fact that he dropped from the sky from an unseen plane in full military camouflage, they assumed he was part of an American invasion. They ran at him while he was collecting his chute and yelled, “Get the American! Kill him!” Russo could not believe what was happening and turned, yelling back, “What? I am Cuban!” They continued to run at him, waving machetes and yelling.

He released himself from his chute, faced them and yelled, “No! Listen to me–I’m Cuban!” But they didn’t believe him. He turned and ran, thinking, What are these people doing? Wait, what am I doing? I have a machine gun! He turned again, still running, waved his gun and yelled, “You people are crazy! I have a machine gun and you have only machetes! What are you doing?!” No matter, they kept running at him, yelling “Kill the American!” Russo thought, These Cubans are c-r-a-z-y! No one will ever invade this country! Eventually, he was able to convince them he was in fact Cuban and walk to the rendezvous point without further concern for the farmers’ army.

By |2017-04-10T11:17:50-04:00February 29th, 2004|From the Road|0 Comments

Tulum to Hueco

Tulum, Mexico, Day 1
My story begins with a sanity check: less than 72 hours ago I was bouldering on a beach south of Cancun, just outside of Tulum, Mexico. While the temperature was in the mid-eighties, the tropical sun was intense. White sand as fine as I have ever felt beneath my feet and between my toes. The waves broke just meters from the base of the sharp limestone wall. It was impossible to look in any direction without taking in the beauty of the blue-green water, surf kites (I don’t know the formal name), and sparsely dressed (“topless”) sun bathers (actually, a few men seem to have forgotten the location of their shorts; and for the relative size of the bathing suits, the women might as well have too).

One couple made love on the beach in plain view of all who chose to watch (which seemed to require as much, perhaps more courage than making love in public itself). I realized again how conservative we are in the States. We may have freedom to purchase more than we need, freedom to travel where we desire, freedom to voice our opinions in the papers but we have in many respects locked ourselves into a relatively small frame of mind, of what is right and wrong, sinful and blessed. Hollywood produces the most violent films on the planet, viewed without second thought by kids, teenagers, young adults, and parents who bring their toddlers for lack of a sitter. “It’s just a movie. I know it’s not real. It doesn’t affect me.” But an exposed breast or love scene and everyone cries ‘foul’. We leave the theater having watched a comedy feeling happy, an adventure film, adventurous; a sci-fi with our minds racing to the distant stars in search of something more, and a romance feeling romantic. It may be “just a movie” but if it did not affect us in some fashion, we would not pay to view it.

Personally, I’d rather leave a theater with the warm desire to make love than the muscle tension, anxiety, and residual adrenaline that may lead to my driving recklessly, a snap argument, or uncomfortable sleep.

Hueco, Day 2
But now (and I seriously question why) I am at Hueco Tanks, Texas, where the hi for today was 34F. With the wind gusting at well over 30 miles per hour, the low is likely to be below zero. I am without thermals, a cook stove, or flashlight. I have a single pair of pants which sport a ripped knee, running shoes and thin cotton socks; a sweatshirt and polar fleece jacket (thank goodness), and a cap and gloves which I keep stowed in my auto-repair kit. Without the gloves, setting up the tent would have proved beyond even my tolerance for the cold; resorting to a room at Rob’s Place were it not for the fact that I have no money. I am stuck here with little more than a quarter tank of gas, block of cheese, white corn tortillas, and three apples for it appears my accountant again forgot (or was unable) to pay me. Perhaps my employees or shareholders executed a hostile take-over during my travels.

But this is Hueco for despite the weather, every camping spot is taken. Tomorrow is suppose to suck as well. But hopes are for Saturday to bring sunshine and weather more suitable for even the hardcore who are holding up in their tents, hands tucked beneath legs, arms, and double layers of blankets. I believe those climbers with companions are definitely better-off than those of us who travel solo.

Hueco, Day 3
The night time low has risen to the high twenties while the day time high might have reached the mid-fifties, in the sun warm enough to remove shirts and long pants. A few degrees are the difference between pain and pleasure. In “The Barn” at Rob’s Place (for those of you who have been here), I am tucked beneath a dusty blanket at the far end of an otherwise very unsupportive couch, finding myself drawn to the conversations that unfold here.

A classic conversation at Hueco …

Guy: Has anyone seen my crashpad?
Gal: (something I could not hear)
Guy: Dude, I’d put two hands on your neck but you’d kick me in the balls.
Gal: Yep, I’d kick you in the balls.
Guy: (pause) Dude, where’s my crashpad?

… and another …
Guy 1: I messed up my knee on Mojo.
Guy 2: No shit?

[lady’s name] did that yesterday too!
Gal: (walking up) Fuck you! You didn’t! What?
Guy 1: Yeah, on Mojo. I think it will be ok.
Guy 2: Could you hear it pop? Was it loud?
Guy 1: Yeah, it was real loud. Everyone heard it.
Gal: Shit. Did it hurt? (no response)
Guy 2: That problem’s cursed, man. That’s two knees blown in two days, third one this week.
Guy 1: Yeah, that knee-drop is wicked, dude.
Guy 2: Don’t worry, if it was a tendon, you wouldn’t be walking. It will heal in a week or so. Just take it easy. Don’t press too hard tomorrow.
Guy 1: Thanks man.

… and a third …
(Six people sitting on the couches, eating from the plywood table.)
Guy 1: (to another) Hey, your head lamp is still on.
Guy 2: Yeah, noticed that, but I thought you had a hard time seeing your sandwich.
Guy 1: (to a different guy) Hey, your head lamp is on too.
Guy 3: Shit. Thanks man.
Guy 1: (to a third guy) Uh, your headlamp is on too, dude.
Guy 4: (taking another bite of his sandwich) Hey, I prefer it that way. I feel more secure.
Guy 2: (whose headlamp is off now) Does your’s have that blinking feature?

Have not been pulling too hard. Seriously humbled. Not that the ratings count, but I can’t seem to get off the ground on some V4s, let alone V6s and was really pleased to have completed a V3 [can’t recall the name] to the left of “Gloria”. Fun problem that starts with a right-to-left crimpy traverse, eases up and over a lip into a giant hueco to stand in, hands free; then drop-down around an arret to a small hueco with the left hand, drop to a corner stone with the right, then pop with the left to a huge lip, feet cut (or at least mine did). Quick match, pull-up full, place the right foot in a pocket on the same level as the hands and rock over; stand-up, step forward and then top-out starting three meters from the ground, another two meters rounds to the top of the boulder.

By |2017-04-10T11:17:50-04:00February 29th, 2004|From the Road|0 Comments

Mexican Farts

While typically light hearted, Carlos turned to me with his mother and sister remaining and said, “Kai. There is one word in Spanish that you must know. One word that is very important.” I responded, “Que?”. Carlos answered “Pedo”. “And what is ‘Pedo’?”

With a serious face Carlos stated, “Fart.” Of course we all laughed, but Carlos remained serious, “No Kai, you don’t understand.” Here he paused to regain a serious face, “My sister, her farts, they are very bad.”

Dania, 19, screamed, “No Carlos! They are not! Your’s are just as –”

Carlos, “Kai. One time, she was in the bathroom, making a shit. And I was in my bedroom. The door to the bathroom was shut. The door to my bedroom was shut. And I could still smell her. It was really bad.”

At this point, Dania was quite red in the face and emphatically denying the entire description. Finally, she turned to her mother who was laughing very hard and pleaded, “Momma! Momma! It’s not true!”

There was a moment’s hesitation, those seated at the table were quiet, and then Angelica burst into tears and exclaimed, “It’s true! It’s true! She smells very bad!”

I nearly fell from my chair! My stomach hurt from laughing so hard. We must have talked about farts in both English and Spanish for a good hour. It was the best meal I have had in Mexico yet!

By |2017-04-10T11:17:50-04:00January 13th, 2004|From the Road|0 Comments

Denver to D.C.

Incredible, surreal flight from Denver to Atlanta en route to D.C..

It seemed a dream as the sun set over a layer of rolling clouds beneath us. Brilliant orange, red, and dark blue with Venus against the higher region of the initial night sky. We dove through the clouds and were surrounded, the wing lamps pressing in vain against the thickness of the moisture.

When we broke beneath, the wave of tens of thousands of lights, set in islands of suburbia, flickered on and off almost in unison as the imposing trees passed between our seemingly steadfast plane and the rushing earth below.

At one moment, a street light bounded off hundreds of cars perfectly aligned in a lot, the wave of reflection tore across the windshields as though each of them had caught fire only to be extinguished again a micro-second later. I leaned forward and pressed my face against the oval window to see the very last row explode and then vanish.

By |2003-12-10T23:15:49-04:00December 10th, 2003|From the Road|0 Comments

Working in a Vacuum

Sometimes the funniest jokes are those that are closest to the truth. This story demonstrates with clarity how the inquisitive nature of the genius can leave the rest of us feeling … normal.

I had been on one of my lengthy road trips, meeting with YDL resellers and spreading the good word about Linux on PowerPCs. Upon my return to our offices in Loveland, Colorado, I was surprised to find the vacuum cleaner completely disassembled on the shipping table–more parts than I realized a vacuum contained.

Upon my inquiry, my shipping manager explained that one of our programmers was attempting to fix it. I immediately assumed that a wood screw had been pulled in at high velocity and embedded in the internal fan (as has happened once before … reminding me of photos of a blade of grass embedded in a fence post through the force of a Nebraska tornado).

But no, the reason for the investigation was simply, “Well, the suction got worse and worse and now it just won’t pick up any dirt up!”

I replied, “Did either of you try changing the bag?”

When a Macintosh dreams

When a Macintosh dreams … it is not unlike you.

It tires of working in a corporate cubicle
next to windows only painted blue.

It wants to make a change,
to build a life that is simple,
to strive for something new.

So when you put your Mac to sleep tonight,
know that it dreams too.

Copyright 2000 Kai Staats

(originally published as an ad for Yellow Dog Linux, product of Terra Soft Solutions, in MacDirectory, Issue 7, 2000)

By |2011-02-14T00:07:51-04:00July 14th, 2000|The Written|0 Comments

It’s got a Bug!

[At MacWorld NY ’99] we were there to witness the best story of them all. Our associate from Linuxcare was handing out Linuxcare lollipops (yes, ‘suckers’) which contained in the center real insects and on the surface of the candy the words, “We lick Linux bugs.” The lollipops were a hit–people loved them!

However, one woman grabbed a sucker but did not see the bug in the center. She proceeded to the Microsoft booth and having consumed the vast majority of the candy she removed it from her mouth only to find the bug staring back at her. She screamed so loud that she interrupted the Microsoft presentation. As well put by one of our associates, “If only she had yelled, ‘It’s got a bug!'”

the animal man

i dreamt i was no longer a machine,
no longer confined to regulations and these mechanical things,
no longer required to follow the strange rules i can not comprehend.

i dreamt i had senses
and a most powerful awareness
that even a master computer could not record.

i could smell the fragrance of a wild flower upon the wind,
the essence of one woman among a thousand filthy men,
and i could hear the fall of water at the river’s end.

my eyes were keen, focused on a world that was new.

it was with powerful legs that i ran.
my lungs knew nothing of pain.
my breath could not be heard.
the placement of my paws not traced
and when the mountains were conquered,
it was the desert through which i raced

but oh god, when i awoke,
i had lost my legs, my paws, my vision.
i was no longer the animal man,
only a human–an incapable, incurable joke.

again programmed by the alarm, wristwatch, and tv.
i have time as my director
and no time to be me.

i live according to mundane, routine tasks,
none of which are satisfying,
none of which do i enjoy —
not when compared
to running as the wolf
when i was just a boy.

oh god, when i awake again,
i want to be on a mountain top
only dreaming that i am a mechanical man.

© Kai Staats 1996

By |2012-01-26T13:25:18-04:00February 26th, 1996|Dreams|0 Comments

Israel

Foreign hands in distant lands,
begging forgiveness for what their ancestors have done.

Deep set eyes centered in traditional weave,
hidden features and dark skin perceived.

Who made the rules?
What god established the guides?

Who’s media controls what we see
when the bombs explode on our TV.

Wars over fertile soil in the name of heathen conversion, ancient tribes lost in misunderstood tradition. Green valleys and barren desert plateaus give rise to reforestation, agriculture, and snow. Mt. Herman in the distance displays its white fingers of sullen borders. Jordan and Israel at odds as the opposing General God gives misunderstood orders.

Distant lands held by foreign hands
in the name of protective interests and international affairs.

Collapse the diamond minds, dry the oil wells, and then who would care?

Oh, misunderstood Israel.

By |2017-04-10T11:17:50-04:00April 1st, 1995|The Written|0 Comments

The Worm and the Wall

Civil Engineers, blind to the designs they create. Road builders as minute as the worm eat so that they may move, moving in order to consume. They assist in the decay of fallen trees and the crumbling of stone, insuring that the life pulled from the earth to support the giant is returned; repaid in full an extended loan.

Cut into the earthen skin of a New Mexico plateau, Chaco Canyon was once the home of the Anasazi. Skilled laborers carved at the solid rock, forming vertical stair cases and footpaths hundreds of miles long in order to conduct centuries of trade and travel. Their walled ruins remain as a testimony to one of this continent’s most incredible civilizations.

We are so pleased with ourselves when our hands have created objects that survive a few hundred years, a millennia, or more. But the breath of two thousand degrees consumes road, humans, and their homes. The mountains that the flowing rivers of lava envision and rush to fulfill persist for millions of years after we are gone. Our feeble attempts at mourning for the dead will go unnoticed when the fossils of ancient life lie secure in their earthen bed.

I have seen walls that welcome the light of the desert, morning sun. I have been within buildings who’s baked clay and mortar kept prisoners from freezing; alive so that they could be slain the following day. I have placed my hand on the walls that felt the radiance of bullets whose projectile paths were stained with a human heart.

Some walls hold within.
Some walls hold out.
Others cannot bare
the burden we
place on
them
and
fall in doubt.

© Kai Staats 1994

By |2009-10-07T18:59:48-04:00November 27th, 1994|The Written|0 Comments
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