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So far Kai Staats has created 553 blog entries.

The Three Markets of Nakuru

Forty-five thousand dollar Toyota Land Cruisers park in front of a modern shopping mall whose interiors rival the variety and low- to mid-range product quality of Walmart in the U.S. or MediaMarkt in Europe. Globalization is tangible here in a way that is more subtle in Holland, Germany, Spain. The stark contrast between the new, well-lit Nakumat superstore and the traditional open markets brings familiarity to wazungu who make Kenya their home for any length of time. In the streets of Nakuru, I may see one foreigner each day, but in the Nakumat there are several with each visit.

It’s an easy thing to do, to default to the place where prices are presented on labels and product return is possible, even if challenging. There is an attraction to the familiar—the clean floors, brand name foods, pharmaceuticals, cameras and thirty-six inch LCD televisions. Skippy, Del Monte, Yoplait, Samsung, Sony, and Panasonic level the playing field in one respect, but create a greater chasm in the same stroke.

I calculated the number of jobs displaced by the new shopping mall as no less than 150. Bernard confirmed my observation with a story of local concern when Nairobi based Nakumat hired Nairobi managers and sales clerks instead of training locals. A stark contrast to the promise of jobs when they bid construction. Sounds terribly familiar to the multiple-decades onslaught of the same in the U.S.

Just around the corner women sell fresh produce purchased from the farmers, washed and stacked for the passers-by. Onions, potatoes, tomatoes, garlic, squash, carrots, eggs, corn, zucchini and some vegetables I do not recognize. None bright in color nor perfect in shape. All show the blemishes of food produced on a farm in which soil, rain, and human hands remain the primary motivators of planting, growth, harvesting, and delivery.

For the average tourist, their goods and wares are but an interesting display worthy of a photograph, smile, and attempted greeting in Kiswahili, “Jambo!” and “Asante!” But for the locals, this is where their food has been traded for centuries.

The farmer’s market is where those who labour in the fields traditionally came to sell their produce to other vendors, wholesale. In recent years, it has become a place for direct-to-consumer sales as well and is now terribly crowded. It is not as easily found nor is it a place for the faint of heart. Not like Barnes & Nobel with the launch of the last of the Harry Potter series, but suffocating, stifling, a Japanese subway car at rush hour packed beyond comfort at any level.

Shoulders, hips, thighs, breasts and backs pressed tightly as mud sucks at the bottom of shoes and bare feet, and vendors scold those who do not recognize when they have stepped on the corner of a vendors mat, an onion or bunch of cloves pressed into the mud.

At roughly eleven thirty, the gate closed for reasons no one was able to explain. Bernard and I were caught inside along with hundreds of others. We were told this happens every day, for a half hour, maybe more. The chain which held the two halves of the gate in union gave me further sense of feeling trapped. Bernard and I looked for another exit, but others who had also done the same said there was none.

Twenty minutes passed. The sun penetrated my hair and caused my scalp to itch in that tell-tail pre-burn state. A young man climbed to the top of the right gate, jumped over, and pressed the gate to open again in our direction. The full assembly of vendors and buyers who had aligned themselves for the gate to open the other direction, on both sides, were forced to move en mass against the growing pressure from behind.

I recognized the situation as somewhat dangerous and made certain I did not fall. Bernard and I waited for the pressure to subside, but we realized to remain where we stood was no longer an option. The only way out was to press ahead, to physically move ourselves at any expense toward the gate which was now just one meter open.

I caught the eyes and face of a teenage boy to my front and side. Clearly, this was a daily, almost enjoyable challenge for him despite the anxiety and frustration it caused everyone. He yelled, pushed, and squeezed past me in the opposite direction. I turned to Bernard who was as astounded as I despite his having lived here all twenty one years of his life.

We pressed hard, hands on the shoulders and back of those in front. Our legs shuffled in small strides, some to counter-balance, some to make progress. The mud threatened to cause us to loose footing. One … two … three meters passed the gate which was now at a forty five degree angle. The pressure was released and I laughed uncomfortably, looking back to Bernard who was shaking his head. We were free of the market and pleased again to be in the hustle of the Nakuru streets.

Bernard and I walked to the Top Market, in the center of town, one block off Kenyatta Avenue. This is the kind of place both locals and tourists enjoy for the environment is less chaotic, the pressure to buy reduced to a simple nod, wave, or greeting. The diversity of foods produced from both soil and tree is accented by mounds of fresh spices and herbs. The colours and aromas are astounding.

The desire to purchase a small bag of each without knowledge of its name or culinary function is overwhelming, a reminder of what it was like to be a child and believe in magical powders, crystals, and perfectly polished stones. Some seventeen years ago I purchased a massive amount of spices from the bizarre in Cairo, Egypt. The last of that cayenne pepper now sits in a glass jar on the back of a stove in a kitchen in Seattle, Washington.

The Relationship of Shopping
I have in the past nine months transitioned from East Jerusalem and the West Bank of Palestine where a relationship is quickly established with each and every vendor, to the comparative cold of Holland and Germany where a greater effort must be made to make connections. In Barcelona, Spain European shopping convenience is complimented by the slower Mediterranean culture. Here in Kenya the contrast between the two worlds is directly evident. Traditional open markets offer time to make eye contact and talk and shake hands in the never-ending Kenyan weaving of fingers, palms, and fist bumps.

I walk the narrow paths formed by women sitting on the ground, their produce displayed before them on open gunny sacks and each greets me. I stand in the grocery store for ten minutes, a clerk just a few meters away too busy with his or her cell phone to bother to ask if I needed any assistance. At the check-out counter the plastic bottles and shrink-wrapped packages slide past the bar code scanner, the speed of transaction is far more pressing than the interaction. Those in line behind me grow impatient if my card does not scan or I fumble with my wallet.

What’s more, I pay three to four times the cost for the same vegetables only one or two days earlier purchased from the farmers’ market in which Bernard and I ventured. The florescent lighting, clean floors, and clerks in matching blue uniforms give customers a sense of confidence and familiarity at the expense of the lost relationship.

By |2017-04-10T11:17:38-04:00April 26th, 2013|2013, Out of Africa|0 Comments

The Story of our Time

I am seated on a bed within a mosquito net tent, on the third level above a market street, at the edge of Nakuru, Kenya. The apartment is rented by Bernard Masai, my adopted son and cherished friend.

I have been here for just four days, arriving from Palestine via Tel Aviv last Thursday. In East Jerusalem and the West Bank I worked with my film partner Farid to conduct final interviews for our short, documentary film “I am Palestine“.

The contrast from the nude beaches of Spain to the warm, inviting West Bank of Palestine to the poverty of Kenya is overwhelming. What drives me to continue on my journey is learning to allow my days and weeks to unfold one at a time, moving in a general direction but all plans open to editing.

Access for All
We are without running water (no one recalls when last the building complex enjoyed this amenity) and are given a 50/50 chance of electricity for the full day. I reset my connection to the carrier twice today already, each time careful to place the phone on the window sill at the right time, hoping the initial handshaking protocol and bandwidth negotiation will result in something faster than last time. The “H” is eventually presented, even faster than 3G and I am pleased. But how long will it last? The struggle to obtain a quality cell phone and data connection is a constant reminder of the fragile nature of technology in this place.

Seventy five liters of water was this morning delivered by a young man who fills five twenty five liter jugs from a private tap, delivering them by bicycle. I commented he must be one of the strongest men in Nakuru, his legs for the effort in cycling and climbing stairs, his arms for the effort in handling and transport. He agreed with a proud smile. It is but 100 Kenyan Schilling for the total run, or $1.25 USD. Bernard explained the courier pays roughly half of this to fill the jugs, earning by my best guestimate $7.50 a day.

We are now listening to George’s Winston’s opening “Tamarack Pines” to the album “Forest”. The intentional misuse of the upper octave produces a dry rhythm adequate to drive the living to elevated levels of ecstasy or bring the dead back to life. For me, it is a combination of the extremes, and I am revitalized.

While I am one who picks an entire album to match or help generate a mood and listens from start to finish without rewind or pause, this morning I cannot help but shuffle from Vivaldi to Mannheim Steamrollers, from Enya to George Winston and then Vangelis. With six hundred and fifty albums loaded on my laptop, I want to share them all with Bernard whose experience of music has been limited to the call to worship the orphanage where he lived, public radio stations, and YouTube videos.

Classical greats, the Blues standards, American Jazz and rock ‘n roll are as readily available in this digital world as is a full education in nearly any subject for those with Internet access. Yet, they remain out of reach for lack of time, direction, or even the knowledge they exist and thereby the motivation to seek them. This is true not just here in Kenya, but all over the world.

The Story of Our Time
Since my first visit to Kenya in 2007, when I walked into the compound of the Pistis orphanage, I have struggled with an understanding for the tremendous gap between those who drive Toyota Land Cruisers and the children who hold glue bottles to their noses to stave the pain of hunger, despite the immediate juxtaposition of a few meters, or daily contact in the parking spots.

Last night Bernard, Lindah and I discussed the careful balance between storytelling and knowledge sharing as the key to human satisfaction. With stories alone, we lose touch with the sciences which grant us opportunity for an improved quality of life. Without sciences, we lose touch with that which makes us human–the need to feel something deeper than facts and figures. We need also the magic that is ever present just below the surface, the stuff which strives to satisfy our need for connection in a horribly disconnected world.

Not just in Kenya, but around the globe the gap between functional knowledge of how things work both in our technology devices and the greater universe in which we exist, is not, in my experience, closing. No, the gap is growing as the implementation of technology in consumer electronics becomes more readily available to all who can afford or are even compelled to embrace its services.

To uses a GPS for its location services is to call upon the fundamental function of Einstein’s theory of General Relativity, the fact that gravity affects the speed of the signal as it moves from satellite to my phone does in fact affect the apparent distance, triangulation, and my position. And yet, how many people who use a GPS have ever heard of Einstein or are aware that time itself is affected by gravity? Does it matter? Maybe no … or maybe yes.

For someone who believes I was afflicted with Malaria because I did not pray hard enough to Jesus, how do I explain the life cycle of the parasite, the symbiotic relationship with the mosquito, and the terminal effect on th host when she folds her arms across her chest, smiles, and says, “My brother, you need to believe. Jesus love you, but you have to believe. See me? I have not had Malaria return to my body since I believed. Jesus is protecting me. And Jesus is protecting my babies. They are healthy, because I believe. You! You must believe too. And you will not have this Malaria in your body.”

I could use a readily available microscope in one of the half dozen “labs” in the town center to show her the crescent of the broken cell affected by the parasite, but without a lifetime of education or repeated, demonstrable evidence, will she use a mosquito net at night? How many of her children will die before she finds that no amount of prayer will stop the infestation?

Either the uneducated believes the explanation much in the way he or she believes in the power of prayer or a massive gap in knowledge and education is brought to bear.

The more we specialize in order to deliver more complex products, the more the average person must simply trust that somehow it just works. No one has time nor do they necessarily care to understand. In Kenya this discussion is given form in an overwhelming, tangible manner. In “developed” countries the gap also widens between a working knowledge of how the world works and those that harbour an understanding.

While in Barcelona, Spain I finished a book titled “Mountains Beyond Mountains” about Dr. Paul Farmer, a Harvard graduate and practicing doctor who has dedicated his life to working with the impoverished to eradicate TB, AIDS, Malaria, and many other diseases which take the lives of those without means in a far greater percentage than those who have the resources to gain access to proper medical attention and health care.

In the three hours ride from Nairobi to Nakuru Friday night, the radio music program was interrupted by occasional news updates. One announced the Kenyan government’s plea with those afflicted by diabetes to continue to take their medication, to stay with the prescribed program or suffer the consequences.

As with all medical professionals, making certain a patient is diligent in taking their medication as prescribed is not only the means by which the cure might be realized, but also the difference between the control of a disease or the creation of a super-strain which grows resistant to every known antibiotic manufactured by all the pharmaceuticals combined.

As Farmer describes, it is not his job to teach the people of rural Haiti the life cycle of a parasite or means by which a virus uses human cells to reproduce. Rather, he needs only to gain their trust and belief which they would otherwise put into the power of superstition and prayer.

Farmer is willing—Farmer has no choice but to integrate the human propensity for storytelling into the modern world of knowledge if not to deliver a higher quality of education than to simply deliver the result of that education in the form of a vaccine or antibiotic treatment.

The means by which that treatment was developed, the full history of pharmaceuticals is lost to the belief in the power of that one small pill, ingested with the ease of a phone call on a hand-held device who inner functions most people will never understand, not do they care.

By |2017-04-10T11:17:38-04:00April 22nd, 2013|2013, Out of Africa|0 Comments

A return to Kenya

The smell of smoldering charcoal mixes with uninhibited exhaust from a two-stroke, three-wheeled tuk-tuk engines rev with the anticipation of passengers. Red rooftops protect the interior of wealthy homes whose compound walls differentiate the rich from the impoverished. Broken glass embedded in the final concrete course dares any to enter.

Deep, red earth mixes with muddy brown. Greens dark against a cloudless sky only to find bold African rain beating down a few hours later. Tall, thin Sudanese women walk in slow, flowing grace, their faces dark faces a full head above the others. Kenyan women balance sacks of produce on their head. Men transport their loads on shoulders and back.

Bicycles have been replaced, for the most part, with imported Chinese motorcycles since the last time I was here in 2008. The bota-bota displaced by the piki-piki, emitting more fumes and again increasing the danger to the driver and passenger. I miss the two seater bicycles with carefully adorned seats, battery powered lights and sound systems. There was a creativity in those taxis that is absent in the gasoline powered replacements. I refuse to ride on a motorcycle without a helmet and so Bernard and I walk several kilometers each day to conduct our errands.

Nothing truly functions here in Kenya, at least not as it was intended. At the same time, nothing is so fully broken so as to not function without creative application of a tool designed for another purpose. Electricity is not a right, nor even a privilege. Rather, the power to light a room with a single, bare bulb is a desired outcome as unpredictable as the rain in the Rift Valley, recently afflicted by global and local, micro-climate transformation.

Children whose feet are dry and cracked due to lack of protection or sanitation beg for food with one hand cupped beneath the other. The gang leaders stand watch in order that donations of money, clothing, or food are not immediately consumed or taken for personal gain.

The glue boys hold empty bottles to their noses to stave the hunger they have felt for years. Attempts at blocking the sale of toxic adhesives for purposes other than those intended has found little footing. Those who have fallen through the cracks are invisible to the eyes of the locals, children whose future can be described in just a few, bleak words. Empathy has an expiration date at which point the average human heart and mind no longer harbour capacity for more.

Perfectly composed women in high heels and tight jeans and flowing dresses walk elegantly, careful to avoid potholes and sidewalks which terminate abruptly. The contrast of styled hair and expensive wardrobe to the backdrop of the dusty streets whose traffic is more an example of chaos in particle flow than civil engineering. Their poise and look says, “I am better than this place. Just passing through.”

By |2017-04-10T11:17:38-04:00April 20th, 2013|2013, Out of Africa|0 Comments

A Latent Flower

I am a latent flower chasing the sun in the final hours of summer.
I seek warmth which will not last long or may never come.
I expose my petals when I should close them for winter.
I risk vulnerability to be touched one last time.
I am a wild rose in a meadow of autumn clover.

By |2013-03-31T04:49:26-04:00March 25th, 2013|The Written|1 Comment

One

In one motion you both held on and let go.

In one breath you said ‘forever’ but ‘not now’.

In one instance you understood my interior
but never made it to the core.

By |2013-03-15T09:05:58-04:00March 15th, 2013|The Written|0 Comments

What I Learned from the Road II

Barceloneta by Night

One year ago this month I posted “What I Learned From the Road” as a tribute to all that had come and gone for me in the prior nine months of transition and growth. This past year has also been a time for tremendous change and opportunity to learn.

I moved frequently between Phoenix, Colorado, Idaho, and Seattle. I completed more than two dozen short films and shot a sci-fi based on short stories I had written more than twenty years prior. I ventured to Hawaii to help a friend work on his house and witness the transit of Venus across the face of the Sun. I walked across fields of flowing lava and filmed one of the most spectacular events I have ever witnessed–the unfolding beauty of new earth given form.

When the intoxicating sulfur and tremendous heat moved me to run but at the same time begged me to remain in order that I would be consumed, I was more alive then than at most any other time in my life.

I sold my house and lived for six weeks on a remote ranch in Colorado. I ran through the mountains without concern for trails, every day swam naked in the pond, and fell to sleep to the howl of the coyotes and bugle of the elk.

In September I moved to East Jerusalem where I rebuilt a website and produced short documentary and educational films. When the rockets came down on both Israel and Palestine, I wept for the pain of knowing people were dying not far from where I stood. In those hours, I found comfort in the hot tea and warm embrace of a Muslim shop keeper who didn’t judge those who hurt others, rather, he simply prayed they find peace.

I moved to Holland for full-time work but found myself again in motion when my job was abruptly terminated. I recovered in the warm embrace of family friends in Germany. Just two weeks later I was robbed while switching trains in Paris and arrived to Barcelona with but the clothes on my back, cell phone, some cash, and my camera bag. This year has repeatedly confronted me with the challenge of finding grounding in ungrounding times.

I was for the first time in my adult life fully accepted for all that I am without request that I change, only to be asked to let go of the expectation for that love, in the end. I am reminded that nothing truly beautiful remains the same for long.

Sometimes I desire nothing more than a normal life. Sometimes I cherish experiencing this world in a way that is impossible if I were to remain still. From this place of constant transition, I again offer what I have learned from the road.

Trust in who I know I am.
Always challenge myself to improve, but do not second guess my motivation.

I am a whole person even when I lose everything.
For as vulnerable as I may feel when I lose my material possessions, by happenstance or through direct confrontation—for as empty as I may be when I lose love, time has a way of rebuilding, of reminding what we yet retain.

Emotions are a filter to reality.
Despair and fear are but chemical responses designed to keep us from making the same mistakes over and over again. Joy is not a destination but also a temporary, passing filter to the same situation. In the sometimes nonsensical manner in which we have evolved, the signatures that flood our synaptic pathways also cause us to fall into patterns of behavior which are self-defeating.

The power of saying nothing is often greater than explanation.
Be comfortable in my own decisions and the path I create every day. I do not need to explain my actions in every situation.

Recognize the patterns of history then move ahead to an improved future.
Learn from what I have done in the past, from what those around me have done too. There are good patterns to copy and those which we should avoid. Only through looking back can we move ahead with opportunity to improve.

Don’t be attached to outcome.
Recognize what I did well and what I could have done better. Learn from my mistakes. Above all, believe I did the best I could, in the moment, given what I had to work with.

Last year a friend asked “What would you do if you had all the money in the world?” My answer came to me quickly, “I would do exactly what I am doing now. I would not change a thing no matter how much money I was given.” I am seeking a place on this planet (or the next) in which my skills and experience and passion find opportunity to serve others while at the same time encouraging me to be my best.

No amount of money can purchase a sense of direction. No bank account balance can provide true satisfaction. No amount of love from anyone can cause me to love myself. I have all that I need, right here, right now.

Maybe now is the time to do nothing. Maybe now is the time to do everything at once. Maybe now, finally, is the time to just move step by step in order that I am living in the moment and not afraid of what unfolds next. The world is open to me when I let go of fear.

By |2017-04-10T11:17:38-04:00March 13th, 2013|From the Road|1 Comment

Running in the Night of Barcelona

Nike University Run, Barcelona

I participated in the Nike University Run tonight.

It was an exciting, crazy, wild run of more than two hundred amateur and professional runners through the old and new city streets. We raced through traffic, pedestrians, bicycles, and through narrow alleys lined with tables, chairs, street performers and salesmen.

Each runner had to reach five places shown (roughly) on a map before the final destination in order to be allowed into the bar where Nike gave each participant a shirt, water, and hot dogs, and played dance music.

Each location for the card punch also presented a challenge, physical or mental. The first was a line of U.S. style football players in full gear. Each runner had to line up and rush through. I got hit in the nose (unintentionally) and was instantly bleeding. As I ran past restaurants I grabbed napkins and then deposited them in the next trash can. Between restaurants the sleeves of my polar fleece became soaked. I kept bleeding. I kept running. It was just too much fun to stop.

As we moved from the open streets to the closed, narrow corridors off Las Ramblas, we picked up the pace and moved with greater agility. Arms over our heads to avoid knocking down children, ducking beneath restaurant patron umbrellas, leaping over handrails and intersection barriers. There is something compelling about running in the close proximity of many runners and even more moving objects (shoppers with too many bags, kids in strollers, small dogs) for the sense of motion is accelerated and the pleasure in movement amplified. My energy never waned, as though I were pressed along by those to my rear and pulled by those to my front.

My favorite part was the look on the faces of those we ran past, their heads spinning as packs of runners ran in one direction, then realizing they missed a turn, spun on their heels and shot back past the unwary spectator-participants sometimes more than a few times.

By |2017-04-10T11:17:38-04:00March 9th, 2013|From the Road|0 Comments

At a Crossroad of Curiosity and Fear

A Crossroads
We live at an interesting crossroad, a time in which our telescopes are piercing the brilliant reaches of the very birthplace of our universe while our microscopes review the mechanisms by which life itself formed, from which we and all life on this planet do continue to evolve.

In this era science is not just a series of required classes for college degrees, but the very foundation of what makes our world tick. Cell phones cannot ring, vehicles cannot navigate, digital televisions do not transmit nor can we perform complex surgeries without tipping our hat to science. It’s not a club for the intellectually elite nor a conspiracy to undermine God, but the discovery, piece by piece, experiment failed by experiment succeeded to understand how things work and to then apply that knowledge to the improvement of our lives on this none-too-resilient planet.

Curiosity
Humans, this species so capable of immense creativity and at the same time such massive destruction has landed a one ton, mobile robot on the planet Mars, the fourth of its kind.

Curiosity is not just the name applied, but what drives us to do bold, daring things. Curiosity is what took us from continent to continent by hand hewed boat and over thawed land bridge by foot, thousands of miles over the course of thousands of years.

Once again, curiosity has taken us to foreign soil.

The average distance from the Earth to Mars is about 225 million kilometers and yet, we crossed this distance, reaching out through the extension of ourselves in eight months, traveling at a speed greater than half the circumference of the earth every hour.

In two hours Curiosity flew the distance that Magellan’s ships required nearly three years to complete five hundred years earlier, the technology that enables this great feat given birth just sixty years prior.

And yet, more humans are without adequate food and water now than in Magellan’s time, more warfare, more skirmishes, more people killed in war in the past one hundred years than at any time in history.

Fear
This is a time in which the religious are perhaps more afraid of losing their foothold in the psyche, in the heart, in the daily regimen of their followers than at any time in history. Not for loss of a need for supernatural guidance—humans have for millennia proved themselves incapable of maintaining healthy, self-imposed regulation—but for the distractions of a busier, less hierarchical world taking away from the time and omnipotent domain once given to God.

The reaction is fear. Fear of change.

In the summer of 2011 Stephan Hawking explained on international airwaves the mathematical evidence for the Universe to have been created not by a greater power, but by the very nature of space and time itself, without intelligence, without design. The same math that enables us to fly from London to JFK, the same underlying principles which govern the function of our microwave oven do give foundation to physic’s claim. If the logic holds, we have no choice but to redefine what God means to us … or stop reheating our left-over food and instead serve it cold.

Look up! Look within.
How does one then seek guidance in Her realm? Do we look further and further back in time to a place where we cannot fully explain and with one finger extended in objection, the other to test the wind and state, “There! How can you explain that?!” Or do we instead look deeper inside ourselves for the common threads of peace which do provide commonalityand seek that place which prefer no explanation for how we feel.

The next decade will likely bring as much change as the prior ten, yet how we behave toward each other, who we thank for what we have and where we place blame will not keep pace. In stark contrast to that which we change around us, on the inside, I believe, we remain very much the same. What comes next will only be understood when we again look over our shoulder to recognize where we have come from.

By |2013-02-25T18:32:28-04:00February 25th, 2013|Critical Thinker, Humans & Technology, Looking up!|0 Comments

Walking Homeless

My debit card is expired. My credit card does not work in all but a few places in this country. I have only the cash remaining from what I borrowed from my former employer Bas. I am wearing borrowed jeans and jacket, riding a borrowed bicycle, and living in a borrowed camper. My water lines are frozen. I awake each morning to the sounds of animals at the local zoo next door. I ran out of toilet paper a week ago, borrowing from any rest room I can find, wrapping it around my hand and stuffing into my pockets to make it another day.

I question what skills I have that make me employable and as I walk through the old city corridors, my black hoodie pulled to the sides of my face and across my forehead, gloved fingers deep in borrowed pockets. Alone in an alley, I struggle to locate the train station which I believe is on the other side of an adjacent building.

This is how it happens. This is how people fall that one last step.

I walked along the tracks, the only place in this country even remotely dirty. The well dressed people stood on the other side of the steel lines, at the end of the station, staring. My head was bowed as I moved through industrial shadows, pulling on doors in attempt to find my way into the back of the station and out of the cold.

I remember a time when I was the CEO of a supercomputing company, VPs at IBM and lead engineers at Lockheed Martin called upon my team to solve their problems. If only they could see me now, my pockets stuffed with toilet paper, my hands numb from the cold, my stomach empty until I can again boil a packet of Chinese noodles in water I carry back to my camper each day.

Was that me? Did I run that company? Did I stand in front of engineers at NASA, confident we could help process images from Spirit and Opportunity?

I am not that person now. I have lost that edge, the confidence, that ego which says “I can” no matter the challenge. I walked further, my mind wandering to how I might borrow cash from a stranger for a train ticket to Germany or nab an apple from a grocer without being caught—anything to avoid borrowing more money from the man who fired me two days ago. He already sees me as so small, incapable, and weak.

I can do it. I can rise again. But where do I start?

I returned to my camper, feeling safe inside despite the bitter cold. In the comfort of tat tiny, temporary, mobile home I was reminded of the relative wealth I do have and the good fortune to have family and friends who would help me if I could not find my way home again.

Homelessness is a psychological state more than a physical one. I was, for that week, thinking much like the homeless people I have met in so many cities, across many countries. I wanted to shout at passing strangers and urinate on public property. As a nameless, faceless, jobless nobody it didn’t matter any more—I had nothing to prove and no one to prove it to. I was, even if but for a few days, no longer one of them.

I tried to picture myself standing in front of a VP for a job interview, and in that image I could not make eye contact. I could not see myself without this over-sized jacket, pockets stuffed with toilet paper, fingers numb from the cold. I was not able to see myself succeed. That is what it truly means to be homeless. It’s not about the physical ownership of a building, but the inability to see oneself as anything but alone, in the alley, angry at the world, while those who have everything stare from the other side of the tracks, wondering who or what I am.

By |2020-08-15T14:24:07-04:00February 15th, 2013|From the Road|Comments Off on Walking Homeless
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